I had a profound experience with a voice coach a few months ago and I wanted to share it, because I think it will help some of you, my dear creative friends.
Drew and I were at a private art, music and healing retreat in Costa Rica. Drew was hired to paint two surfboards, LIVE, during the 7 day event. (This is my favorite type of work trip – we get paid AND we have fun!)
Our client gifted me with a session with a voice coach. And during my time with her, I discovered that I had been censoring myself, all my life.
And then, upon my return home, as synchronicity would have it, I read on Stephanie Rose Freeman’s Instagram that she’s been doing the same (she’s a wise artist who teaches the game of life to other artists). What she wrote hit me really hard. She said:
“I’m so sick of censoring myself...”
She went onto say that she’s been holding back on her art and keeping quiet about the things that really matter to her, for fear of criticism. And now, she’s going to just say “F*ck it” and not worry about it. No more holding back.
It inspired me so much! And I realized, that many artists are holding themselves back.
But did you know that YOUR BEST WORK is when your expression is controversial and a little crazy?
That the most successful artists got the most criticism? Like Picasso, Salvador Dali, Andy Warhol, Prince, etc.
Well, my profound experience with letting go of the need to censor myself was in Costa Rica during a private session with Priske Dehandschutter, an incredible voice coach who works with musicians. It was an experience that freed me in a big way.
I was nervous for the lesson, because I CAN’T SING. My voice is raspy and has been since I was a child. It was hard enough for me to start my podcast with this voice!
I’ve always felt embarrassed by how my voice sounds and so I only sing when alone. And now I had to sing for Priske.
But, I was told that a session with Priske is not about singing, it’s about USING YOUR VOICE and freeing yourself.
Priske’s “office” was in a tower, high in the sky, overlooking the Costa Rican jungle. Howler monkeys and beautiful mountains on three sides, the ocean on the other.
She guided me to just make simple sounds, with notes, like “oooooh” and “aaaaaah”. That was easy. I could do that.
She then had me put one finger in my ear and another against my nose, and make sounds that way. It created some confusion in the brain, and started to break through old patterns that I’ve had my entire life around my voice. She led me to do other strange exercises also.
Suddenly, I felt very emotional. Tears started to erupt. A deep sadness welled up inside me. It was so strong I was taken by surprise.
A feeling of a memory of why I had to keep quiet when I was a child. When I was 16, my mentally ill father strangled me, nearly to death, for speaking against him.
Priske said to me, “so, speaking out meant death to you. We will work with that.”
She had me sing to the mountains. And I felt something shift. A release of a feeling of shame that was lodged deep inside from decades ago came loose and rose to the surface. I released it to the sky and felt a physical lightness after.
Later that night, as we enjoyed music by DJ Taz Rashid, I started to dance. It’s something I don’t usually do because I feel self conscious. But tonight, I was having fun. Dancing, laughing, feeling free.
At one point, I noticed that I wasn’t holding myself back like I had in the past. I was allowing my energy to flow as it wished. It felt like complete freedom. My need to hide myself was gone.
The next morning, I swam out into the ocean and sang to the sky and the mountains. I wanted to continue allowing my voice to flow, to allow it to express itself.
I thought about the artists I work with. So many are held back from fully expressing themselves, due to fear, from past trauma, of being criticized or punished. And how, when an artist breaks free of these invisible chains, that’s when they create their best work.
It’s astounding how we carry invisible wounds our ENTIRE lives. How old memories stay lodged deep inside us. And then one day, when we do the “work” it comes loose and frees us. I’m so intrigued by the power of our traumas and how they dictate our expression. And that we ultimately hold power over everything, once we understand it.
I thought I’d share this because it will help at least one of you. If you were told at a young age that your ideas were stupid, or that you couldn’t sing, or that you needed to shut up, it might be why you don’t fully express yourself. And you could break through that barrier by noticing it, and then, by using your voice to break up the old patterns. Sing, chant, make sounds and allow the old stuff to break away.
Going forward, I’ve committed to dancing and singing more. I want to not let this new freedom of expression slip away. I’m going to experiment with and continue to expose more of myself that I hid away as a child. In this way, life becomes more fun as I get older.
And as I lean into my next chapter in life, I am drawn to helping others break through their invisible barriers, also. Through meditation, breathwork and deep healing work.
I’m so grateful for the insight and for being guided to it by Priske. When one life changes, many others follow.
I will be doing a Podcast on this topic, and soon it will be released on my youtube video and my podcast . (I would LOVE if you hit “subscribe” and leave me a comment or a review. It would mean the world to me if you do!)
I hope this was helpful for you. As I dive deeper into healing all of my trauma from my childhood, and my recent fears of dealing with Drew’s near death, I learn so much about who I am and how I fit into this world.
And as I learn, I will share it with you, my dear friends!
Because as I do the work on myself, I help others.
Love,
Maria
PS: I just released a new book for women titled EMPOWERED WOMEN’S CIRCLE. You can see it on Amazon HERE.
